Earlier this evening, I helped my daughter (almost 7) clean her room. As I hung up a getting-too-small dress in her closet, an adage that I've heard dozens of times popped into my head: Don't do anything for your kids that they can do for themselves. I was uncomfortable the first time I read those words, and have been uncomfortable with them every time an older mother, as well-adjusted as her children are, tells me this. Since when do we not help each other?
In our community, there is a teen suicide every few weeks. The sadness and "if onlys" reverberate through the town until the next sad event occurs. Nearly 50% of people who participated in Cigna's loneliness index in 2018 felt lonely always or sometimes. The former surgeon general of the United States said that isolation is the most prevalent threat to health in our nation.
This makes me wonder: are we taking this "Teach my kids not to need me" thing too far?
Our culture is slightly obsessed with the idea of independence. When I taught full time and had an infant at home, people told me how good it was for her to learn independence from me. When she got older and we decided not to put her on that big yellow bus, but to homeschool instead, the obvious concerns about her ability to be independent were written all over the furrowed brows of strangers.
But, I need people, and my children need me. This is not wrong or weak. This is human nature.
A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and saw a mom that I know from my MOPS group. Her child had broken a glass container, and she ran to grab paper towels and was wiping up the mess when I saw her. I went to help. She was fully capable of cleaning it up on her own, but I wanted her to know that I had been in that sticky situation too. At the same MOPS group, just a week earlier, a mom of grown children (Laurie Wildenberg) spoke to the crowd of tired young moms, and said, "I don't want my adult children to not need me. I want them to call me when they need help. I want them to come home for dinner and to still have a relationship with them."
Related: Your Secret Weapon for Forming Positive Habits
Physically Independent
Is it possible to teach our children to not need us physically, but to still learn to rely on others? Yes. We were created for community. We first see our need for others, for helpers, in Genesis. "It is not good for man to be alone."
I can teach my children how to do the laundry and tie their shoes, and allow them to do these things on their own. But what if the simple act of offering to help in physical ways like these is valuable for our relationship or our child's mental health? Why do we sacrifice relationship and mental health for that little golden statue called "independence"?
Growing Up
As my little girl hurdles closer to her seventh birthday, her responsibilities at home will increase. But when she accidentally spills the eggs that she's mixing in the bowl, I'll help her clean it up. When she can't find the pencil she needs to do her work, I'll help her find it. I want her to know that she can come to me and ask me for help as her life problems shift from missing pencils to navigating relationships or making major mistakes. In the distant future, I want her to call me up and tell me about the tough situation she's facing, not to run away and try to face something difficult entirely alone.
This post caught my attention today as I am simultaneously wanting another homeschool mom to let me do my job as AWANA leader, and thinking how public-schoolers have it easy because they don’t have to be watching their high school aged kid all day to see if they are doing what they were told. In public school, by high school, parents barely have to see their children if they want things that way.
The common thread is that not everything in our homeschool needs to be done directly by me, so I am letting myself be overwhelmed unnecessarily; others are willing to help. Yet if I let someone else help with some aspect of our childrens’ education, I have to let them help, while being willing to accept the results of them possibly not doing it the way I would have – and I need to admit that my child will sooner or later need to learn from other people than me, some of whom really don’t understand my child.
This is not so much a seven-year-old’s challenge; the difficulty is that my child is in high school, and in other times and places would be considered an adult already, but here and now he is mostly considered a child while also being expected to handle things adults don’t handle well. So it is good for him in some ways to be taught at home because we know him and understand him well and can protect him from some things, but it is also good for him to learn that not all of life will be so simple, and he needs to take responsibility for his own education, without either him or me blaming his teachers who might be doing the best they can.
Love this! It reminds me how even God is all about relationships, as we see in the trinity. Togetherness is built into our DNA. I totally agree I’m teaching my kids the skills they need, but I also want them to know that I’m always there to help if they need it. Asking for help isn’t a weakness!
That’s so true, Julie! I had to narrow the focus down in this post, but I really want to explore the Godly implications of community. Today I learned that the word “another” is in the Bible 59 times!
This is why the habit of helpfulness is something I’m working on, too!
Yes, me too! I’m trying to become more aware of the needs around me.
Beautiful! So much food for thought in this article! We see all throughout the Bible how multi-generational families, communities and the early church helped each other and remained connected to one another! I wonder how much more peace our society might experience if parents would follow our God-given intuition to cultivate deeper, life-long relationships between all living generations within our families and a sense of helpfulness toward one another! Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this, Leah. Blessings!
Thank you for sharing your Biblical perspective, Nancy! We are reading The World Jesus Knew at morning time and the multi-generational houses fascinated us all!