My Little Robins

Loving and Learning in the Nest

Everything You Need to Know About Learning Through Play

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Friends, I am learning so MUCH about learning through play. A year and a half ago, learning through play meant something entirely different to me. It meant fun, involved games and tasks that I created for my children. “They’re learning!” I thought, as I cut out pieces for memory games and helped set up camping scenes for imaginative play. These things ARE fun for my children, but they AREN’T what people mean when they say children learn through play.

Why do parents, myself included, feel the need to be so involved with their little ones’ learning during the early years? Do we not trust that children are capable of learning through play? Do we not believe the years of hard work by researchers and philosophers that says unstructured play when our children are young is best for their development; cognitively, physically, and emotionally?

This month, I’m republishing a 5 day series I wrote in 2017 about learning through play. I’m applying what I’ve learned through reading lots of books, training to be a Tinkergarten leader, and observing my children do their work of play.

Charlotte Mason mentioned several types of play in her volumes:

  • Outdoor play
  • Imaginative play
  • Playing with letters to learn the alphabet
  • Playing card, board, or dice games (to rest)
  • Organized games (like sports)
  • Observational games, played outside or with household objects
  • Role-playing games to learn manners

I’ll address these types of play in this series, and what you can do to be sure that your child is playing meaningfully (hint: it involves observing more than directing!)

Five Days of Play

Monday, February 6: The Best Ways to Encourage Learning Through Play

Tuesday, February 7: Sensory Bins that Engage ALL the Senses

Wednesday, February 8: Help! I Don’t Like Playing With My Kids!

Thursday, February 9: How to Inspire Creative Play in Your Preschooler

Friday, February 10: Preschoolers Will Love Learning With These Games!

 

Other Links

These links will appear in this series, or are related to learning through play.

3 Reasons You Should Play Uno With Your Preschooler

5 Ways For Preschoolers to Learn Using Quirkle

11 Ways to Practice the Alphabet in the Great Outdoors

How Technology Impacts Your Child’s Creativity

Making the Most out of Outdoor Play in the Early Years

Teaching the Alphabet through Play

 

Visit the Blogger Hopscotch by clicking on this image!

 

 

7 Reasons Why You Should Rethink Sticker Charts and Rewards

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The best time to buy workout clothes at secondhand stores is early February. I don’t know this for sure, but it’s always when I discover the best Athleta, Columbia, and Adidas gear at mind-blowing prices. I’ve found pieces that look brand new, and I have a guess as to why. People buy workout clothes in January as motivation to exercise, and once they realize it isn’t going to happen, they get rid of them. It’s basically a backwards sticker chart for grownups. Extrinsic (or external) motivation rarely works for grown-ups, and it rarely (at least with long-term results) works for children.

Sometimes I’m tempted to introduce a sticker chart for bed making, dog feeding, or good big-sistering (my own word, I know.) Sticker charts seem to be the first place our minds go to when faced with a parenting challenge.  But I have to remind myself: sticker charts and rewards systems don’t have a place in a Charlotte Mason home.

Sticker charts and other rewards seem to be a quick fix for motivating children, but they can actually hurt more than help.

This post contains affiliate links. Read more in my policies.

What Charlotte Mason Said

In principles 3 and 4 of Charlotte Mason’s educational synopsis, in the very beginning of all of her volumes, she wrote:

The principles of authority, on the one hand and obedience on the other, are natural, necessary and fundamental; but–

These principles are limited by the respect due to the personality of children, which must not be encroached upon, whether by fear or love, suggestion or influence, or undue play upon any one natural desire.”

(Sign up for my newsletter to receive an explanation of this synopsis).

Brandy Vencel from Afterthoughts Blog explains Charlotte Mason’s use of the word suggestion as “a subtle sort of manipulation.” I used plenty of sticker charts, pizza parties, and incentive jars during my public school days, and I’m not sure they fit into the “subtle” category! Offering rewards in the form of sticker charts, pizza parties, or incentive jars, whether at home or at school,  doesn’t show respect to the personality of children. It plays upon a child’s natural desire for junk food, or pretty, shiny things.

And in case that doesn’t convince you,  there are many more reasons. 

What Research Says

Education expert Alfie Kohn wrote a lot about the topic of rewards- he devoted an entire book to it. (You can read the article The Risks of Rewards here, or see his book here.) Kohn mostly discussed rewards used in classrooms, but one example stood out to me.

He described a study where young children were asked to drink kefir. One group of children had no prompting or incentives; one group had verbal praise; and one group was rewarded with a special treat for drinking the beverage. The group who received no incentives liked the beverage the most after a week. This is a type of situation that is most likely to come up in our homes during our child’s early years. How often do Nate and I use dessert as a reward for a clean plate at dinner time? (Answer- way, way too often.) 

The Downsides of Sticker Charts and Other Rewards

I’ve probably said this before, but I love how so much of Charlotte Mason’s works align with modern-day research! Here are the downsides of these rewards- some of them are from Charlotte Mason and Alfie Kohn.

 

  1. Children become disinterested in whatever they were bribed to do.

and nothing worse could have happened to our schools than the system of marks, prizes, place-taking, by which many of them are practically governed. A boy is so taken up with the desire to forge ahead that there is no time to think of anything else. What he learns is not interesting to him; he works to get his remove.” Charlotte Mason, Towards a Philosophy of Education

  1. Rewards don’t encourage children to grow into people who care.
  1. Giving lots of rewards develop children who are less generous than their peers.

  1. Rewards don’t change underlying emotions that affect behavior.

  1. It’s a form of manipulation (Mason and Kohn both said this!)
  1. Children “motivated” by rewards aren’t as inclined to think creatively, explore new topics, or accept challenges.
  1. Children become dependent on someone else’s approval

 

Sticker charts and other rewards seem to be a quick fix for motivating children, but they can actually hurt more than help.

 

Solutions

The problem is not how much motivation a child has, but what motivates your child. Take the time to help them find intrinsic motivation.  Charlotte Mason suggested starting a game in another room when children should be finishing up their work. This gives them a reason to finish the assignment, task, etc. without having to say, “If you finish your writing, you can play the game!”

Introduce inspirational ideas that help to inspire and motivate your child.

Because of human nature, some of the things we tend to bribe our children to do are just habits that haven’t been formed yet. Instead of bribing with rewards, work on forming positive habits in the early years.

Become your child’s “friendly ally” rather than carrot dangler. Work with them to help them achieve the goal.

Identify your child’s rights and privileges. This allows us to consider if we really have to allow our child to eat dessert, or play a game on the iPad. These don’t necessarily need to be used as rewards or incentives, but having no consequences for difficult behavior can (will?) lead to entitlement.

Use natural and relative consequences. I explained this more in the eBook that I recently wrote, but basically, allowing your child to experience the natural consequences of their actions, or coming up with a consequence that is related to the behavior offers a gentle learning opportunity for your child.

Final Thoughts

Do you mind if I go back to the workout analogy? Before I had kids, I signed up for a sprint (very short!) triathlon. A friend had mentioned it and asked me to sign up, so I did. Since I did at a friend’s request, I wasn’t intrinsically motivated. At all. I didn’t train, I didn’t really have the right gear, and the day of the race, it wasn’t a pretty sight. By the end, I really regretted not training. A few years later, when Miss H was about 15 months old, I decided to do another sprint triathlon. This time, I wanted to model healthy habits to my daughter. I wanted to set and achieve a physical goal. Needless to say, this time around went much better. I actually trained, and when race day came along, I did better (and felt better.)

Mamas, let’s fight this sticker chart culture, and raise kids that are motivated for the right reasons.

Making the Most Out of Outdoor Play During the Early Years

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Last summer, we went on a nature walk at a nearby garden.  The flowers were blooming, the robins were skipping around, and the beautiful sound of flowing water was heard around every corner. Suddenly we had been there for an hour and a half, and it was time to get home so Baby E could take a rest and we could eat lunch.  These are the moments that send a whisper through my heart that says, “This is a beautiful childhood.”  Spending time outside, so lost in nature that time surprisingly slips away is what Charlotte Mason had in mind for little ones when she recommended 4-6 hours of outdoor play while the weather is nice.

*Updated July 2018

Outdoor Play Is the Best Possible Thing

And long hours they should be; not two, but four, five, six hours they should have on every tolerable fine day, from April to October. ‘Impossible!’ says an overwrought mother who sees her way to no more for her children than a daily hour or so on the pavements of the neighboring London squares. Let me repeat, that I venture to suggest, not what is practicable in any household, but what seems to me absolutely best for the children, and that, in the faith that mothers work wonders once they are convinced that wonders are demanded of them. A journey of twenty minutes by rail or omnibus, and a luncheon basket, will make a day in the country possible to most town-dwellers; and if one day, why not many, even every suitable day?” Charlotte Mason, Home Education, pages 43-44

In the winter, she recommended two or three hours outside each day: an hour outdoors in the morning, coming in to warm up and eat lunch, and then heading back out in the afternoon. Modern research supports this. Lack of outdoor time is linked to many childhood problems, like Sensory Processing Disorder, obesity, and even ADHD.

Related: The Complete Charlotte Mason Preschool Guide

Playing Outside In All Weather?

Charlotte Mason often wrote with the highest ideal in mind. She said that we as mothers can make miracles happen if we know that miracles are expected of us.  While I think that it is possible to be outside for 4-6 hours each day, especially in nice weather, I think we also need to give ourselves some grace.

In Ambleside, England, where Charlotte Mason lived, the temperatures throughout the year range from a low of 30 degrees Fahrenheit to a high of 59 degrees Fahrenheit. This is much more temperate than my Colorado home, which ranges from about 0 degrees Fahrenheit in the winter to 100 degrees Fahrenheit in the summer. Charlotte Mason did not coin the phrase “There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothing.” I can’t imagine that she’d advocate taking very small children out in weather that could potentially be dangerous for them!

I think we can free ourselves from the guilt of not getting our children outside when it’s miserably hot or intolerably cold.

Related: Easy Clean-Up for Messy Outdoor Play

Follow this simple rule:

Never be within doors when you can rightly be out. ” Charlotte Mason, Home Education, page 42

This frees me from the guilt of not getting outside when it’s cold, or the baby needs to sleep, or we have errands to run. I have to find a maintainable balance. If I know that being outside is the absolute best for my children, I’ll try to be out there every chance I get; but I also have duties  in order to keep everyone fed and healthy.

Charlotte Mason, Home Education

What should this outdoor time look like?

What Does Outdoor Play Look Like in the Early Years

The mother is not the entertainer

They’re outside!  They don’t need to be told stories, played with, or entertained in other ways. There is so much for them to do and observe!

In the first place, it is not her business to entertain the little people: there should be no story-books, no telling of tales, as little talk as possible, and that to some purpose.” Home Education, page 45

It might take some time for your children to learn how to entertain themselves with nature and their own made-up games. You might want to ease into it, instead of immediately expecting hours of child-led play outside.

Related: The Indoorsy Mom’s Guide to Getting Outside

Sightseeing

Ask the child to go observe a tree, flower, or other interesting feature. Have them come back to report what they have seen.  This helps increase their vocabulary, ability to remember, and ability to recount without exaggeration (which is necessary for the habit of truthfulness). Don’t tolerate a lazy description!

…she sends them off on an exploring expedition–Who can see the most, and tell the most, about yonder hillock or brook, hedge, or copse. This is an exercise that delights children…” Home Education, page 45

Mental Picture painting

Ask your children to describe to you a landscape that they have seen.  This is a tiring task, but it can be enjoyable when presented as a game. I think that this could be extended by actually painting a picture of a flower or another thing seen in nature. This would be fun and meaningful for a young child.

The children will delight in this game on ‘picture-painting’ all the more if the mother introduce it by describing some great picture-gallery she has seen– pictures of mountains, of moors, of stormy seas, of ploughed field, of little children at play, of an old woman knitting,– and goes on to say, that though she does not paint her pictures on canvas and have them put in frames, she carries about with her just such a picture-gallery; for whenever she see anything lovely or interest, she looks at it until she has the picture in her ‘minds eye’; and then she carries it away with her, her own for ever, a picture ‘on view’ just when she wants it.” Home Education, pages 49-50

Object Lessons

Object lessons encourage a child to use their five senses while viewing things in nature, or objects around the house. I wrote more about these lessons here. 

 An Hour or Two of Vigorous Play

We love playing at the park, riding bikes, or playing tag outside. Charlotte Mason recommended 1-2 hours of vigorous exercise each day for children.

Related: Schemas of Play in the Great Outdoors

Do Not Send Them, Take Them

In the first place, do not send them; if it is anyway possible, take them; for, although the children should be left much to themselves, there is a great deal to be done and a great deal to be prevented during these long hours in the open air.”

I love that Charlotte Mason said this, because sometimes I think people want to create the 1980’s childhood where children played outside by themselves for hours without a grownup around. This ideal doesn’t fit in well with life today. However, there is a difference between supervising and hovering!

These hours that we spend outside are sure to make up some of my children’s most treasured memories of childhood. What a gift that we’re giving them!


What should those long hours outside look like during the #charlottemason #earlyyears ?

The Habit of Truthfulness: Why do Children Lie?

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Have you ever thought about how much parents lie to their children? These lies range from protective to downright disturbing (in an article I once read, a mom told her child that poisonous gas would come out of the smoke detector if he climbed out of bed). How are we supposed to teach our children that lying is wrong if parents so often lie to their children? And worse still: how are we supposed to teach our children that lying is wrong if the world thinks it’s right? 

Lying is an abomination to the Lord (Proverbs 12:22), yet even in the Christian community, lying is often brushed under the rug. So, if we really want to guide our child in the habit of truthfulness, then our approach has to be informed and wise. Charlotte Mason gave us three reasons that people lie. Being aware of these reasons can help our children develop the habit of truthfulness.

Related: The Complete Charlotte Mason Preschool Guide

This post was updated May 2019. 

Three Reasons People Lie

In Home Education, Charlotte Mason explained that lying has three different causes:

“The vice of lying arises from three causes: carelessness in ascertaining the truth, carelessness in stating the truth, and a deliberate intention to deceive.” Home Education, page 164

Ascertaining the Truth

  •         Stating things they aren’t sure of
  •         Making claims they can’t possibly know

Stating the Truth

  •         Exaggeration
  •         Omission

Deliberate Intention to Deceive

  •         Lying to avoid consequences or discipline
  •         Lying to preserve personal integrity

The Habit of Truthfulness

Charlotte Mason devoted a lot of ink to the habit of truthfulness. In each of these reasons she gives us, we can find ways to develop the habit of truthfulness in our children. 

“Now, of the three kinds of lying, it is only, as a matter of fact, the third which is severely visited upon the child; the first and the second he is allowed in.” Home Education, page 165

Ascertaining the truth

When children are young, they love to tell stories- sometimes making up details and events. This is adorable. But when we started working on the habit of truthfulness with our daughter, I realized I had to use these made-up events to encourage her to search for the truth in her words and actions. Not allowing these slips in truth, with a raised eyebrow and gentle question (Is this true?) is important during a child’s early years.

Stating the truth

 We don’t think much of a child’s exaggerations, partly because they are sweet, and partly because our world is full of exaggeration. But allowing them paves a way for future lies. If our children see that it’s okay to exaggerate, they soon decide that it’s okay to not tell the truth. When we worked on this with Miss H, I simply asked her, “Do you think you really ate 100 pieces of candy? I think it was probably more like three.” That was the extent of the conversation, but even that slight challenge taught her that lying isn’t accepted.

Deliberate intention to deceive

 This cause of lying is the most difficult to stop, because, as Charlotte Mason alluded to, they aren’t typically allowed in this type of lying. I’ve learned through my experiences as a teacher and a mom that how we frame things for our children makes a huge impact on their truthfulness. Instead of asking questions that could easily be met with a quick lie, turn them into statements. Instead of, “Did you clean your room?” say, “Let me go see your nice, clean room first!” By framing it that way, you are making it more difficult for your child to lie. 

 Reframed Questions

Did you eat your whole dinner? ——  Please bring me your empty plate.

Did you finish your work?          ——   I’d love to see the results of your hard

work!

Did you push your brother?       ——   Your brother is crying and he looks                                                                                       hurt.  Please tell me why.

Related: The Habit of Prompt Obedience

Other Strategies to Encourage Truthfulness

Teach about right and wrong. The habit of truthfulness is developed like other moral habits: we have to teach children about right and wrong, and if we are Believers, that right and wrong come from God. We can’t twist honesty around to serve our own purposes because God’s truth is steadfast. (Read my post about authority here). 

When searching for the truth, give your child some time to answer you. Sometimes when we play investigator and demand an answer immediately, kids impulsively shout out a lie, and then dig themselves deeper into it. If we give them some time to answer and say, “I want you to think about what’s really true, and when you’re ready, go ahead and tell me.”

Model truthfulness, even when it’s difficult. Explain to your child when you choose truth (in an age appropriate way!)

Show that you think they’re honest. This is helpful because your child will know that you expect the truth from them. Painting them in a negative light, especially in their own eyes, creates a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” My lovely former principal got down on a child’s level and say, “This is just not like you,” an approach that’s helpful in handling many different behaviors. 

Give a natural or educative consequence.  A natural consequence will occur without any interference from you. An educative consequence is established by you, but is related to the offense.

Related: The Stages of Charlotte Mason Habit Formation

A Thought on Brutal Honesty

Do you think people who claim themselves to be “brutally honest” are honest about everything? Like, Abe Lincoln chasing customers for miles to give them their penny kind of honest? I don’t think so. I think the term “brutally honest” exists to help people feel better about being mean. Kindness and gentleness are fruits of the spirit- we can be honest while being kind and gentle. As I teach my children the habit of truthfulness, I’ll also teach them the habits of kindness and gentleness.

What does Charlotte Mason say about the habit of truthfulness? And why should we even care?

Parenting with Grace and Truth Book Review and Giveaway

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Parenting with Grace and Truth- a book about raising children based on Biblical principles.

I jumped at the chance to review Parenting with Grace and Truth: Leading and Loving Your Kids Like Jesus, because Biblical parenting has been on my heart a lot lately. In the fall, we read a book with our small group that really inspired me to think about living like Jesus, rather than just living like cultural Christianity tells us to. So, I had been thinking about what Jesus’s version of parenting would look like. Parenting with Grace and Truth digs into these two principles that Jesus modeled for us, and how to apply these to our parenting.

I received a complimentary copy of this book in exchange for my honest review. All opinions are my own. This post contains affiliate links. See my policies for more information. 


What It’s About

This is not your average parenting book focusing on discipline. It mentions bigger ideas than potty training or time-outs. Instead, it discusses how we can navigate parenting issues using a foundation of truth, and showing grace to our children. I don’t know about you, but showing grace to my children is sometimes difficult for me. Nate sometimes has to remind me how little they still are!

The first chapter is about establishing household rules. This really resonated with me, since we’ve been discussing authority and character-building in our Charlotte Mason book club. Establishing a few big-picture rules based on truth, rather than thousands of nit-picky rules based on what annoys me as a mom, doesn’t hinder my children’s personalities.

One chapter talked about finding your child’s unique talents and gifts. It mentioned that it’s our job as parents to bring things talents and gifts to the surface, but to stay balanced so we don’t become too busy. I loved this quote:

“Parents seem to wear the “We’re So Busy” badge with pride instead of with the more intuitive response of alarm or even disdain.”

Being too busy is something I try to guard my family from, but the author made a good point that I also need to give my children opportunities that will allow them to see God’s purpose for their lives.

Some of the chapters discussed heavy issues, like parenting through a crisis, or what to do in light of a divorce. I can honestly say that I’ve never read a parenting book that addressed these issues, and I can see the value in it.

One of my favorite chapters is titled, “Is Parenting with Grace and Truth Normal?” A message in this chapter is that we don’t just have to go with the flow of society’s version of parenting. We have to establish our own normal. When we’ve established our expectations in this area, we have to maintain them through discipline. In Parents and Children, Charlotte Mason talked about establishing our authority as parents. I love how Seaborn’s message confirmed this when he said:

“When we allow our children to steal our normal by failing to discipline them, we eventually lose all influence with or authority over them. The goal is not for our children to be afraid of us, but a healthy respect on their part will help them understand that we can be counted on to follow through with the consequences we have established for disobedient behavior.” (page 49).

The Author’s Perspective

I really appreciated the author’s voice throughout the book. We was very honest, even giving a personal account about a difficult time the family went through. He has obviously had many experiences with children through raising his own, and through his time as a youth pastor, so his wise words are very valuable. I always enjoy reading books written by parents who have been through the whole process of parenting children from ages 0-18+!

What I Wish There Was More Of

When I opened this book, I imagined I’d see examples of Jesus’s life that give us a model for parenting. This wasn’t the case. In fact, a lot of the verses mentioned were from the Old Testament. This is of course fine, but I would just expect a little more Jesus in a book about parenting like Jesus.

Overall, this was a thought-provoking book. Even though I’m in decluttering mode right now, I’m going to hang onto this one because I think it offers some wise advice, especially for parents of older children.

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