My Little Robins

Loving and Learning in the Nest

A Kinder Alternative to The Elf on the Shelf

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Confession: The Elf on the Shelf kind of drives me crazy. Not only is he a little creepy looking, but I think he gives children the wrong view of God. Elf on the Shelf is supposed to be Santa’s scout. He (or she) watches children to see if they’re being good or bad and reports back to Santa. Bad children don’t deserve Santa’s gifts, but good children do. This sounds like the way many people see God. I don’t want to introduce that idea to my children, so I wanted an Elf on the Shelf alternative. That’s why the Kindness Elf started visiting last year.

The Kindness Elf gives ideas for spreading kindness.
The Kindness Elf gives ideas for spreading kindness.

What is the Kindness Elf?

We don’t emphasize Santa Claus in our house, but we were gifted an Elf on the Shelf a few years ago.   I decided that each day, our elf would give an idea of how we can give to others. This brings the focus off of getting more things (because clutter!!) and lets my children experience the joy of giving. I was a little inconsistent with this last year because we had a newborn, but this year, I put together 25 giving elf arrangements that I can set-up pretty quickly. While I won’t have the super intricate Elf on the Shelf arrangements that I see on Pinterest– I think the ROI will be strong 😉

The Kindness Elf is a great alternative to The Elf on the Shelf. It shows up to encourage kids to complete acts of kindness.
The Kindness Elf is a great alternative to The Elf on the Shelf. It shows up to encourage kids to complete acts of kindness.

25 Kindness Elf Ideas

Buy a Starbucks gift card and give it to someone in line
Write a Merry Christmas message and put it on a random car (here’s some inspiration!)
Send a gift to a soldier
Sing Christmas carols to neighbors or people in our community
Donate old toys or clothes to a nearby shelter or other charity

Play with someone new at the park, gym childcare, church nursery, co-op, etc.
Clean up without being asked
Buy extra groceries for a food pantry (find a local food pantry here)
Adopt a family to provide Christmas gifts for
Check in with an elderly neighbor

Bring baked goods to neighbors or friends
Make a Christmas ornament to give away
Bring breakfast or a snack to volunteers at church (Maybe a cute hot cocoa bar?)
Hold a door open for someone
Put change in a Salvation Army can, or sign up for a bell-ringing shift!

Read a book (or tell it back) to a sibling
Memorize Isaiah 9:6, and share it with others
Earn chore money to give to others
Practice greeting people politely
Help pack a lunch for a family member

Invite friends over for coffee and cocoa
Leave a treat and a note for the mail carrier (not cash, as this article explains!)
Make coupons of kind things to do for a family member
Bring bagels to the police or fire department
Give a candygram to the librarian

I imagine my arrangements will be super simple, because I will probably have to sneak the Elf somewhere in the morning after Miss H is already up 🙂

This works for any act of kindness involving giving our time.
This works for any act of kindness involving giving our time.

 

We can use this with acts of kindness involving giving food.
We can use this with acts of kindness involving giving food.

 

Elf in the coffee mug- perfect to encourage us to gift a Starbucks gift card!
Elf in the coffee mug- perfect to encourage us to gift a Starbucks gift card!

 

What other acts of kindness would you suggest for little ones?

 

 

5 Things Good Moms Do That Encourage Entitlement

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We want to raise kids to be independent, loving, and positive contributors to society. Lately I’ve seen a few seeds of entitlement in my children.  They’re really simple at this point: a granola bar wrapper tossed haphazardly on the floor, or the refusal to accept that I won’t play this very second. 

*This post was updated June 2019.

Before I had children, I was positive that I wouldn’t raise entitled kids. Now I’m realizing that some of the areas where I consider myself a good mom could lead to entitlement. Sometimes our authority as mothers becomes compromised. 

Charlotte Mason's third principle

Entitlement- Even When You’re A Good Mom

Good moms play with their kids.

We want our kids to feel loved, so we play with them as much as we can. After all, we hear that parents often miss playing with their kids as they get older.

But, kids also need to learn how to play independently.

Playing with children ALL THE TIME doesn’t allow them to develop important independent play skills. When we scrap other responsibilities to always play with our kids, they learn that they are the only thing that matters. The world revolves around them.

In Home Education, Charlotte Mason said:

“The part of mother or teacher in the early years (indeed, all through life) is to sow opportunities, and then to keep in the background, ready with a guiding or restraining hand only when these are badly wanted. Mothers shirk their work and put it, as they would say, into better hands than their own, because they do not recognize that wise letting alone is the chief thing asked of them….” Charlotte Mason

This is the concept of masterly inactivity, which Charlotte Mason recommended in both parenting and education.

Good moms want a peaceful home atmosphere.

The home atmosphere is one of the three tools of education that Charlotte Mason said we can rightfully use. It is not something we do, but a result of the values we hold (I wrote Moms, We Are the Home Atmosphere to explain this.) We try to let love abound, stop arguments that arise, clean up, and guide our kids in learning and maturity.

But, we can’t sweep everything under the proverbial rug in the name of peace. 

Constantly cleaning up for our children and solving their problems for the sake of the home atmosphere doesn’t allow them to learn these important skills. They need to learn how to work on chores, solve problems, persevere at lessons, etc.

Good moms let their children make choices.

 We know that allowing children to make choices helps them develop important decision making skills, and gives them a sense of empowerment. Also, it is a necessary part of Charlotte Mason’s first principle: children are born persons. 

But, we shouldn’t shelter them from the consequences.

If we let children make choices, we have to be okay with the fact that their choices might have negative consequences. You’ve most likely heard of a helicopter parent, but teachers often talk about lawn-mower parents, who come in and make sure everything is safe and there are no obstacles in a child’s way. They want to remove any possibly negative consequences that their child might run into. 

When we let children make choices, but shelter them from the natural consequences, they don’t learn responsibility for their actions. Instead, they learn that when they make poor decisions, mom will save them from whatever is coming their way.

If Miss H doesn’t eat her dinner, then she can’t have a snack before bed. This is something we learned the hard way. She wouldn’t eat her dinner, and then, inevitably right after we brushed her teeth, she’d ask for more food. We eventually realized that we allowed her to choose not to eat her dinner, but then sheltered her from the consequence of being hungry.

Obviously, we need to protect our children from extreme danger that could affect their physical and mental health. But if they’re somewhat uncomfortable when they choose not to wear shoes or eat their meal? That’s a learning opportunity.

Good moms meet their children’s needs right away.

We learn as soon as we become parents that we need to meet our children’s needs for their emotional health. We rush to them when they cry, change their diapers, feed them on schedule, and take care of a plethora of other needs.

But, wants and needs are different.

For me, wants and needs started to blur together. I was so focused on meeting my children’s needs that I started answering their every request immediately. Wants DON’T need to be met immediately, and doing this routinely creates an entitled “I deserve it”  attitude.

 Good moms want their children to treat others politely.

We give gentle prompts like, “What do you say?” and “How can you ask nicely?” to get them into the habit of politeness. 

But, kids should treat their moms politely, too.

While I try to get my children to use good manners, I sacrifice my personal need for niceties. When I’m not consistent with having my children use their best manners, I notice that it creeps into their treatment of others, as well. 

How do you protect your children from developing entitled attitudes?


10 Sweet Poems to Shake-Up The Bedtime Routine

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We have a book of bedtime poems that Miss H loves. It’s called Switching on the Moon: A Very First Book of Bedtime Poems. Most of the poems are modern, but there are a few classics worked in. The poem that she wants to have read to her every night is Sweet and Low by Alfred Lord Tennyson. This is a poem that I memorized with my fourth graders at an Ambleside School. Sometimes throughout the day, I recite it to Miss H, and she just loves it! (That’s an embarrassing confession!)

Introducing poems to little ones is intimidating. We want to be sure that we understand it before presenting it to a child. I think we need to be okay with the fact that we might not get every little nuance of poetry.  Young children probably won’t understand every word (and if you’re like me, you might look up a few, too!) but the point is to expose them to classics. Bedtime is a great time to introduce a young child to classic poetry. The song-like rhythm and your child’s sleepy, undivided attention is perfect for poetry. I rounded up some other classic poems that I think you’ll enjoy.

 

Classic Bedtime Poems
Classic Bedtime Poems

10 Bedtime Poems

 

Sweet and Low by Alfred Lord Tennyson

Sweet and low, sweet and low,

        Wind of the western sea,

Low, low, breathe and blow,

        Wind of the western sea!

Over the rolling waters go,

Come from the dying moon, and blow,

        Blow him again to me;

While my little one, while my pretty one, sleeps.

Sleep and rest, sleep and rest,

        Father will come to thee soon;

Rest, rest, on mother’s breast,

        Father will come to thee soon;

Father will come to his babe in the nest,

Silver sails all out of the west

        Under the silver moon:

Sleep, my little one, sleep, my pretty one, sleep.

 

 

The Moon Was But a Chin of Gold by Emily Dickinson 

 

Escape at Bedtime by Robert Louis Stevenson

 

Bedtime by George MacDonald

 

The Children’s Hour by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Sleep! Sleep! Beauty Bright by William Blake

 

The Lamb by William Blake

Little Lamb who made thee

        Dost thou know who made thee

Gave thee life & bid thee feed.

By the stream & o’er the mead;

Gave thee clothing of delight,

Softest clothing wooly bright;

Gave thee such a tender voice,

Making all the vales rejoice!

        Little Lamb who made thee

        Dost thou know who made thee

        Little Lamb I’ll tell thee,

        Little Lamb I’ll tell thee!

He is called by thy name,

For he calls himself a Lamb:

He is meek & he is mild,

He became a little child:

I a child & thou a lamb,

We are called by his name.

        Little Lamb God bless thee.

        Little Lamb God bless thee.

 

A Cradle Song by William Blake

 

The Dream Keeper by Langston Hughes

 

The Harvest Moon by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

 

Is there a bedtime poem that your child loves? Tell me about it!

 

Teaching Children How To Manage Their Emotions

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When I taught third grade in a public school, I learned that many children didn’t understand their own emotions. I saw this play out every day in the classroom, and read research to support it. At a staff meeting, I learned that the majority of third-graders could only identify happy and sad emotions.  That idea really resonated with me.  Right now, Miss H (3) can identify about 4 emotions. I’m not sure she can identify them in herself, but she definitely notices when I’m happy, sad, angry, or frustrated. I want her to be able to identify and appropriately respond to her own emotions. We have a lot of work to do!

Why Teaching About Emotions is Important

The first step towards handling our emotions is recognizing them. When I wrote my post about handling anger, a few people mentioned that they can tell when they start to get angry, and then they can do whatever steps are necessary to avoid losing their cool. If someone never learns how to recognize and deal with anger, they will always lose their cool! This goes for other emotions, even the less intense ones. The phrase “I’m bored” often masks a wide range of childhood emotions, from worn-out to grief. If children are taught to specifically identify the emotion they’re experience, they can learn how to handle it better (and you might not hear “I’m bored!” so often.)

Charlotte Mason said:

In Educating the Feelings we Modify the Character––But our feelings, as our thoughts, depend upon what we are; we feel in all things as ’tis our nature to,’ and the point to be noticed is that our feelings are educable, and that in educating the feelings we modify the character. A pressing danger our day is that the delicate task of educating shall be exchanged for the much simpler one of blunting the feelings.  (Parents and Children)

In other words: We all feel emotions differently, and that is in our nature.  How we handle them builds our character. It might be easier to teach children to distract themselves from uncomfortable feelings, it’s important to teach them how to appropriately manage them.

We all know of adults who have unhealthy coping mechanisms for various emotions. This is blunting, and it isn’t helpful.

How to teach About Emotions

The first one is obvious. Talk about it. Children learn from our model. When I feel a negative emotion, I explain it to Miss H (and apologize when necessary!) She quickly picked up on frustration, and now every time I breathe too loudly she asks, “Mom, why are you frustrated?”

Reading living texts gives rich opportunities to discuss different emotions. I ask questions like, “How do you think she feels now?” This also allows children to develop empathy, which is so important!

Miss H has this Melissa & Doug Bear Dress-Up. Each face has a different emotion. This gives us a chance to talk about how the teddy bear feels. We also try to choose an outfit that fits her mood. Miss H decided that if the teddy bear is sick, she should wear pajamas. If she’s happy, she might want to wear a happy color, like yellow.

The movie Inside Out  does a great job describing emotions and how we handle them.

But…

Limit screen time, because too much of it hinders your child’s ability to develop empathy. (Here’s a good article on the effects screen time has on social and emotional growth). TV (Netflix, movies, etc.) manages our emotions for us. We turn off unpleasant feelings we don’t want to cope with, and instead feel what a Hollywood producer wants us to. Charlotte Mason had no idea how major “blunting the feelings” would become in future in generations!

 

 

Encouragement for Moms from Author Shannon Warden

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Dr. Shannon Warden is the co-author of Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Became Parents.
Dr. Shannon Warden is the co-author of Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Became Parents.

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I recently had the chance to interview Dr. Shannon Warden, co-author of Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Became Parents. (Make sure to read my review and enter the giveaway!) Dr. Warden is a counselor, and is a faculty member at Wake Forest University. She gracefully handles a career and motherhood as well as writing a book! Being a full-time working mom was the hardest season of my life, and I lived that season pretty resentfully. I think that’s why I was so impressed with Dr. Warden’s input in this book.  When I decided on questions to ask, they mostly revolved around challenges that moms face and how to handle them. It’s sort of like a mini-counseling session.

What are the major parenting challenges parents face now that past generations didn’t experience?

SW: One thing that has changed is that more families are dual-income families, meaning that moms and dads are both working to make ends meet.  This may require that parents arrange their schedules to manage childcare, and childcare can be a major time management and money management issue.  Also, because both parents are working beyond their household and family “work” duties, household upkeep, getting groceries, and recreational activities end up having to be done during what may have in the past been “family time.”  Having two incomes helps to pay for the costs of raising children, but it also creates other challenges.

Dads are now also even more involved than they may have been in the past.  I say of Stephen (my husband) that “he is better than a lot of women and better than most men at taking care of the children.”  He really is an amazing father.  And, I couldn’t do all that I’m doing without his help.   

I believe, too, that our society today is busier than in the past.  More children are more involved with things like sports, dance, music, and educational activities earlier in life than they were in the past.  Parents may feel pressure to get their children involved early so that they don’t somehow “fall behind.”  We’re wise to really weigh the pros and cons of all the opportunities available to our children.  Ultimately, we want to find a do-able and healthy balance for our children that doesn’t overwhelm them or put undue strain on our home life.

Technology is another difference for modern families.  Children have tablets and electronic gaming systems now, which can be both a blessing and a burden.  Here again, parents have to weigh the pros and cons of technology and decide how it is that technology helps and hinders home life and children’s overall development.  Certainly technology has many pluses, but we have to limit it so that, for example, we and our children engage with one another through relationship-building that comes by way of talking, playing, reading, and praying together

Is there a specific parenting philosophy that you follow?

SW: Early on in my training as a professional counselor, I learned about the importance of developmental teaching and developmental parenting.  This simply means that we recognize the stage of development a child is in, and then base our expectations on that reality.  Often, we as parents are asking more of a child than he or she can do at that point in their development.  For example, expecting a child to sit perfectly quiet for an extended period of time is unrealistic…unless of course they are asleep!  Yet, parents sometimes get so frustrated with their children when they “won’t sit still.”

 Developmental parenting may seem like a “no-brainer,” but I’ve certainly had unrealistic expectations at times, and many “good parents” I’ve counseled have had not-so-great-parenting moments because of expecting more of a child than what was realistic.  The good news is that thinking developmentally saves us and our children a lot of undue frustration

In your book, you said that none of your children slept through the night until they were three. What advice do you have for moms about remaining your best self while exhausted?

SW: Expectations come into play here as well.  All children do not sleep consistently through the night or consistently across childhood.  And, so rather than feeling like a failure or that I should somehow “have the answers,” I simply embrace that “this too shall pass,” and I roll with mine and my family’s reality.  I don’t hold us to an unrealistic expectation of “they should be sleeping through the night,” “what’s wrong with them,” or “what’s wrong with me?”  This flexible mindset and realistic outlook keeps me from stressing so much about the issue of sleep.  And, less stress equals better mental self-care.

Of course, sleep is important—for us and our kids.  So, I say to other moms: “keep working on consistent bedtimes and bedtime routines, etc.”  And, for us as moms, let’s make the most out of the rest time we do have.  The house-cleaning can keep a while longer, and we can afford to put off folding the clothes if it means we can maybe rest a few extra minutes or sneak in an occasional nap.  That goes back to us needing to maintain healthy, realistic expectations and accepting that this is our current “normal,” but it won’t always be this way

How can moms balance the need to play with and be present with their children and the need to take care of themselves?

SW: We have better energy and can be better, more focused moms when we’re making time to take care of ourselves.  We might not have the same amount of time for self-care that we did before having children, but we can be creative and find ways to recharge our emotional, social, physical, and spiritual batteries.  Like most other things in life, we have to work for balance.  It doesn’t come easily sometimes, but balance is worth working for.  And, even the smallest amounts of self-care can be just what we as busy moms need to keep moving forward!

What advice do you have for moms who want to raise Christ-followers?

SW: In all things, including parenting, we can and should work to be imitators of God (Ephesians 5) and of Jesus Christ (Philippians 2).  We often generally aspire for this as Christians, but parenting should inspire us all the more to push ourselves to follow the model that God and Jesus have provided us.  That doesn’t mean we won’t make mistakes.  Of course, we will make mistakes!  But, even then, we can model for our children the importance of apology and repentance.  In fact, that’s one of the best things we do for our children, is allow them to see us humble ourselves before the Lord, asking for His forgiveness, and when we wrong our children, asking them for their forgiveness.  

Thankfully, God doesn’t hold us to a standard of perfection.  He gives us Truth in the form of the Bible; He walks alongside us; and, He is a gracious God who gives us many, many chances in life.  When we rest in that wonderful Truth, and do so consistently across time, our children will see us living out our faith, and this will increase the chances that they, too, will trust in and follow God.

Ephesians 5
Ephesians 5:1-2

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