My Little Robins

Loving and Learning in the Nest

Cultivating the Habit of Attention

by 4 Comments

I have some lingering guilt from my time as a public school teacher. I wish I had known then what I now know thanks to Charlotte Mason’s philosophy.  One of these areas is how I dealt with my students’ inattention. When my students drifted off, their eyes glazed over with far-away thoughts, I assumed that they just hadn’t been trying hard enough to pay attention. It wasn’t until I learned about this beautiful philosophy that I began to understand that those sweet little ones weren’t being defiant, they just had never developed the habit of attention.

We tend to assume that attention is either something we have or something we don’t. How often do we hear people, even grown ups, say things like, “I just can’t pay attention for that long”? Not true! Inattention is a symptom of never giving devoted effort to focusing beyond what our natural tendencies allow. In short, we haven’t practice this skill.  If we leave children to be products of their nature, then we are failing them! What a gift it is to give our children gentle, diligent training in the habit of attention during their early years.

But First, Attention!

First, we put the habit of Attention, because the highest intellectual gifts depend for their value upon the measure in which their owner has cultivated the habit of attention. To explain why this habit is of such supreme importance, we must consider the operation of one or two of the laws of thought. But just recall, in the meantime, the fixity of attention with which the trained professional man- the lawyer, the doctor, the man of letters- listens to a roundabout story, throws out the padding, seizes the facts, sees the bearing of every circumstance, and puts the case with new clearness and method; and contrast this with the wandering eye and random replies of the uneducated;- and you see that to differentiate people according to their power of attention is to employ a legitimate test.” Home Education, page 137

Attention is one of the three habits that Charlotte Mason addressed the most. This habit truly affects how a child learns and functions for the rest of their lives. She makes it very clear that it is not a faculty. A faculty is something that we’re born with, that we have an inherent capacity to do. This is not a, “You’ve got it or you don’t” thing like our society tends to think!

Mama, maybe you are the one who struggles with the habit of attention. It’s not too late for you, either! I’ve given some recommendations on forming this habit during the early years, but these can be adapted to childhood and even adulthood!

 

#CharlotteMason and the #habit of #attention

 

Forming the Habit of Attention During the Early Years

The help, then, is not the will of the child but in the habit of attention, a habit to be cultivated even in the infant. A baby, notwithstanding his wonderful powers of observation, has no power of attention; in a minute, the coveted plaything drops from listless little fingers, and the wandering glance lights upon some new joy. But even at this stage the habit of attention may be trained: the discarded plaything is picked up, and, with ‘Pretty!’ and dumb show (silent show), the mother keeps the infant’s eyes fixed for fully a couple of minutes- and this is his first lesson in attention.” Home Education, page 139- 140

We can either help our children develop attentiveness, or allow them become the opposite. I know, that’s a scary thought! With technology and a society filled with constant stresses and distractions, the average attention span is actually growing shorter! (This article from Time Magazine explains the correlation between technology and attention span.) But if we fight culture in this way by teaching the habit early, then our little loves can grow up without the constant struggle and frustration of inattention.

Starting from infancy, we can help our babies by redirecting them to their toy or activity. If our children are out of that cherubic stage, this still wonderfully applies to them! While you won’t shake a toy in front of your preschooler, you can still see to it that they attend. Charlotte Mason explains how to do that outdoors.

Developing this Habit Outdoors

One of the benefits of working on this habit during the early years is that we can truly give the idea that attention is enjoyment. Since the Charlotte Mason early years involve so much outdoor time, this is the perfect place to encourage children to really enjoy and attend to what they see. Charlotte Mason gave this example:

Is little Margaret fixing round eyes on a daisy she has plucked? In a second, the daisy will be thrown away, and a pebble or a buttercup will charm the little maid. But the mother seizes the happy moment. She makes Margaret see that the daisy is a bright yellow eye with white eyelashes round it; that all the day long it lies there in the grass and looks up at the great sun, never blinking as Margaret would do, but keeping its eye wide open. And that is why it is called daisy, ‘day’s eye,’ because its eye is always looking at the sun which makes the day. And what does Margaret think it does at night, when there is no sun? It does what little boys and girls do; it just shuts up its eye with its white lashes tipped with pink, and goes to sleep till the sun comes again in the morning. By this time the daisy has become interesting to Margaret; she looks at it with big eyes after her mother has finished speaking, and then, very likely, cuddles it up to her breast or gives it a soft little kiss. Thus the mother will contrive ways to invest every object in the child’s world with interest and delight.” Home Education, page 140

Isn’t that such a beautiful moment shared between mother and child? She gets her child to truly enjoy the daisy in front of her with an elegant description. There is no need to bark, “Sit up straight! No fidgeting! Pay attention!” The child’s attention is drawn naturally to a beautiful and interesting object. A mother’s job is to recognize the beauty in the object and help her child really see it. Charlotte Mason had some more recommendations for outdoor time that help children develop the habit of attention that you can read about here.

Attention With Little Ones

Here are some more examples of what we can do to help our children develop the habit of attention:

  • Try to reduce stress and multi-tasking in your home. So much of what our children learn come from the home atmosphere and our reactions to life.
  • Explain what paying attention looks like: make eye contact, get rid of distractions, be aware when thoughts wander.
  • Limit screen time, as this has been proven to decrease attention span!
  • Offer a healthy diet.
  • Make sure they’re getting plenty of sleep.
  • When babies and toddlers lose interest in a toy or object, redirect their attention back to it.
  • When a task is abandoned, encourage your child to return to it.
  • Help your child see the beauty in something interesting during outdoor play time. One way to do this is through a nature journal! 
  • Don’t be afraid to ignore your child’s request to read just a little bit more. Stop when he or she is still interested so they don’t learn to let their attention wander when they’ve had enough.
  • Make sure that you aren’t giving directions in a rapid fire. If I tell my child to put on pajamas while she is brushing her teeth, she will most likely get distracted and not complete the first task.
  • Try not to repeat yourself, or read sections of a book over again because your child wasn’t paying attention. This teaches him or her to attend the first time!
  • Consider not owning too many toys, or having a toy rotation. This cuts down on toy clutter, but also offers fewer distractions for your child.
  • Be careful not to let your child get in the habit of following the rabbit trail of their thoughts by encouraging “connections.” (You can read my post about why this is dangerous here.)

If you’d like some help getting started with habit training, make sure to check out my eBook, Habits for the Early Years: A Mother’s Journal available here. 

 

The Habit of Prompt Obedience

by 1 Comment

A habit that’s on the heart and mind of so many of us is obedience. We long for our children to obey, “for this pleases the Lord.” And, to be truthful, we want our children to obey to have those “smooth and easy days” that Charlotte Mason described. Obedience is a habit that we keep plugging away at, but without seeing the immediate results of our diligence, it can be difficult to keep going.

This is not a habit that develops overnight. With many years of hard work and consistency, we can help our children develop this crucial habit.

The Habit of Prompt Obedience

The Biblical reasoning behind this habit is enough, but the results of Godly obedience also speak encouragement to my heart:

The Habit of Prompt Obedience.- It is an old story that the failures in life are not the people who lack good intentions; they are those whose physical nature has not acquired the habit of prompt and involuntary obedience. The man who can make himself do what he wills has the world before him, and it rests with parents to give their children this self-compelling power as a mere matter of habit.” School Education, page 20

Oh, that a world of opportunities would stretch before my children! I think it’s safe to say that no mother desires for her children to be “failures in life.” That is why we recognize the importance of developing the habit of obedience in the early years. 

The #habit of #obedience is so important in the early years. #charlottemason

Developing the Habit

Consistency

It is hard to fathom how we are supposed to consistently expect obedience every single time. Maybe we have multiple children- being sure that they obey our authority without exception is a daunting task. We must remain consistent, but we can make this easier on ourselves by giving fewer commands. 

With little ones, simply holding their hand hand when we give them those few, sacred directions may help them obey. We can gently move them towards the toothbrush, car door, or exit to the park. I’ve noticed that by just looking my daughter in the eye when I give directions, she understands that I expect her to obey. When I’m in a rush and don’t take the time to show her that obedience is necessary, it doesn’t happen.  

Follow through is important, but so is not backing down. When the toddler has thrown himself dramatically on the floor, refusing to comply, it is definitely easier to give him the cookie. But this is how he learns to disobey.

It is needless to continue; everybody knows the steps by which the mother’s ‘no’ comes to be disregarded, her refusal teased into consent. The child has learned to believe that he has nothing to overcome but his mother’s disinclination; if she choose to let him do this and that, there is no reason why she should not; he can make her choose to let him do the next thing forbidden, and then he may do it.” Home Education, page 115

In order to be consistent in following through and not backing down, I try to be proactive. I plan ahead for issues that might possibly prevent my children from obeying the first time, like hunger or tiredness.

Inspire Them

By-and-by, when he is old enough, take the child into confidence; let him know what a noble thing it is to be able to make himself do, in a minute, and brightly, the very thing he would rather not do.” Home Education, page 164

An important part in the habit training process is to inspire our children. We can share an idea, like “what a noble thing it is,” a hymn, or a Bible verse. Living books like The Tale of Peter Rabbit touch upon the importance of obedience.

Practice

Now, to work a machine such as a typewriter or a bicycle, one must, before all things, have practice; one must have got into the way of working it involuntarily, without giving any thought to the matter: and to give a child this power over himself- first in response to the will of another, later, in response to his own, is to make a man of him.” School Education, pages 19-20

This is an area that I think is often overlooked (meaning, I often overlook it!) Practice is a gentle consequence. When H was about three, she had the habit of stomping down the stairs. This was problematic since her brother’s crib was on the other side of the wall! I helped her practice walking down quietly like this:

(Miss H stomps down the stairs, hoping to wake up her baby brother)
Me: Honey, please walk down the stairs quietly.
H: *STOMP *STOMP *STOMP
Me: Here, I’ll show you what I mean. (I walk down quietly.) Do you think you can do that? Let’s practice.
H: Ok! (Walks downstairs like a graceful ballerina.)

Consequences

There is a law by which all rewards and punishments should be regulated: they should be the natural, or, at any rate, the relative consequences of conduct.” Home Education, page148

We don’t have to punish our children when they disobey, but they should have natural or relative consequences. Natural consequences occur without any intervention, where as relative consequences are applied.

Final Thoughts

One of the biggest things that changed my view of habit formation is this idea: Children aren’t trying to be naughty, bad, or difficult, but they lack the self-discipline and maturity to always do as they ought. Our job is to help them grow towards maturity and obedience. When we communicate with them, we need to show love and patience. Stress shuts down a child’s ability to learn. I’m working on my own habits of patience and gentleness through lots of prayer and practice so that I can gently guide my children towards obedience.

You can find more resources on the habit of obedience in the My Little Robins shop. 

The Stages of Charlotte Mason Habit Formation

by 1 Comment

“Education is an atmosphere, a discipline, and a life.” This is how Charlotte Mason describes the tools that we should use to educate our children in a way that respects them as people. Just like grown-ups, children are creatures of habit. But it’s up to us mothers to determine whether they will be creatures of good habits or bad habits. We could just let nature run its course and let those bad habits take over. Or we could be diligent and proactive, and help our children develop positive habits. It’s no easy feat, but Charlotte Mason clearly explained the stages of habit formation.

The stages of Habit Formation

In Home Education, the section called “-The Forming of a Habit- ‘Shut the Door After You’” describes the habit training process. This is a long section and I won’t write it all out here, but I encourage you to read it! The stages of habit formation that Charlotte Mason mentioned are important to understand if we want to help our children in this way.

 

You’ve heard the saying that it takes 30 days to form a habit. It can, or it can take much longer. Habit formation takes diligence and perseverance. This is by no means a formula to follow. Habit training is much more difficult than it looks written out in words, but our hard work will be so worth it!

Give Inspirational Ideas

 “A habit becomes morally binding in proportion to the inspiring power of the idea which underlies it.” School Education, page 110

Charlotte Mason habit formation begins with a little seed of an idea that motivates and inspires. Give an inspirational idea that will inspire your child concerning the new, desired habit. Bible verses and beautiful, living books often offer inspiration in these areas! You could also just give a few words about the new habit. When Miss H slipped into bad manners at the dinner table, climbing down from her chair to run laps around the kitchen, I knew I needed to inspire her to actually sit down and eat. I told her, “I am so thankful that we get to spend dinnertime together as a family! This is really a special time for us!” It’s tempting for me to frame things in a more manipulative way: “Don’t you want to sit down and spend time with Mommy and Daddy? It makes us sad that you won’t talk to us!” But this falls under the umbrella of things Charlotte Mason’s fourth principle said we should not do.

Habit training
The Charlotte Mason philosophy values habit formation as a way to benefit the child’s growth and development.

Explain the Desired Habit

Clearly explain what the new habit should look like. In the “Shut the Door After You” section that I mentioned above (have you read it yet!?) Johnny’s mother clearly explains that the door should be shut for the comfort of those in the room. Sometimes, we clearly have in mind what we don’t want our children to do, but we haven’t given as much careful thought to what they should do! It’s so important that we clearly define our expectations. 

Having in a few- the fewer the better- earnest words pointed out the miseries that must arise from this fault, and the duty of overcoming it, and having so got

the (sadly feeble) will of the child on the side of right-doing, she simply sees that for weeks together the fault does not recur.” Home Education, page 120

To help our children “break” bad habits, we really have to help find a better substitute for it. Finding the best way to replace a bad habit might take some experimentation!

Tact, Watchfulness, and Persistance

To me, this is the hardest part of a mother’s work. In order to help our children develop a desired habit, we have to be sure that they never fall back into the old habit. Charlotte Mason explained that we think as we are accustomed to think. Our brains have “tracks” that our thoughts run along. When we work to establish new tracks, revisiting the old ones, even once, can be detrimental to our cause. Establish some sort of signal to remind your little one to stick with the good habit. This prevents us from nagging and saying the same thing over and over- something that parents nor children enjoy!

Tact, watchfulness, and persistence are the qualities she must cultivate in herself;

and, with these, she will be astonished at the readiness with which the child

picks up the new habit.” Home Education, page 122

The Dangerous Stage

The dangerous stage occurs after a habit begins to form. Maybe we assume that our children already have the habit down. Or maybe we feel badly that they’ve been working so hard, when it doesn’t feel like work at all to them! We have to be aware of this dangerous stage, and remain diligent.

Now comes the critical moment. Some day Johnny is so taken up with a new delight that the habit, not yet fully formed, loses its hold, and he is half-way downstairs before he thinks of the door. Then he does think of it, with a little prick of conscience, strong enough, not to send him back, but to make him pause a moment to see if his mother will call him back. She has noticed the omission, and is saying to herself, ‘Poor little fellow, he has been very good about it this long time; I’ll let him off this once.’ He, outside, fails to hear his mother’s call, says, to himself– fatal sentence! –’Oh, it doesn’t matter,’ and trots off.” Home Education, page 124

Even when the habit is developed, we need to keep watch over it. A change in our daily routine, or even in our child’s development can set good habits off track. We have to stay watchful so that bad habits don’t take over. Charlotte Mason recommended working on one habit at a time, but I think that in addition to this, we’ll also have to be sure that several habits are being maintained.

Reinforcement

One word more,- prompt action on the child’s part should have the reward of absolute leisure,

time in which to do exactly as she pleases, not granted as a favour, but accruing (without any words)

as a right.” Home Education, page 121

This reinforcement shouldn’t come as a reward, but just a natural result of doing as they ought.

 

Where to Start with Charlotte Mason Habit Formation

The three habits that Charlotte Mason talked about the most are obedience, attention, and truthfulness. We can start working on obedience and attention when our children are infants! The habit of truthfulness is not far behind: as soon as a child can speak, you can train them in this habit.

My eBook, Habits for the Early Years: A Mother’s Journal, goes through habits that are especially helpful to develop during the early years, and gives tips for helping your child with each habit. Journal pages help you track your child’s progress throughout the process.

#Charlottemason described the stages of #habitformation in Home Education. #homeschool

The Habit of Truthfulness: Why do Children Lie?

by 1 Comment

Have you ever thought about how much parents lie to their children? These lies range from protective to downright disturbing (in an article I once read, a mom told her child that poisonous gas would come out of the smoke detector if he climbed out of bed). How are we supposed to teach our children that lying is wrong if parents so often lie to their children? And worse still: how are we supposed to teach our children that lying is wrong if the world thinks it’s right? 

Lying is an abomination to the Lord (Proverbs 12:22), yet even in the Christian community, lying is often brushed under the rug. So, if we really want to guide our child in the habit of truthfulness, then our approach has to be informed and wise. Charlotte Mason gave us three reasons that people lie. Being aware of these reasons can help our children develop the habit of truthfulness.

Related: The Complete Charlotte Mason Preschool Guide

This post was updated May 2019. 

Three Reasons People Lie

In Home Education, Charlotte Mason explained that lying has three different causes:

“The vice of lying arises from three causes: carelessness in ascertaining the truth, carelessness in stating the truth, and a deliberate intention to deceive.” Home Education, page 164

Ascertaining the Truth

  •         Stating things they aren’t sure of
  •         Making claims they can’t possibly know

Stating the Truth

  •         Exaggeration
  •         Omission

Deliberate Intention to Deceive

  •         Lying to avoid consequences or discipline
  •         Lying to preserve personal integrity

The Habit of Truthfulness

Charlotte Mason devoted a lot of ink to the habit of truthfulness. In each of these reasons she gives us, we can find ways to develop the habit of truthfulness in our children. 

“Now, of the three kinds of lying, it is only, as a matter of fact, the third which is severely visited upon the child; the first and the second he is allowed in.” Home Education, page 165

Ascertaining the truth

When children are young, they love to tell stories- sometimes making up details and events. This is adorable. But when we started working on the habit of truthfulness with our daughter, I realized I had to use these made-up events to encourage her to search for the truth in her words and actions. Not allowing these slips in truth, with a raised eyebrow and gentle question (Is this true?) is important during a child’s early years.

Stating the truth

 We don’t think much of a child’s exaggerations, partly because they are sweet, and partly because our world is full of exaggeration. But allowing them paves a way for future lies. If our children see that it’s okay to exaggerate, they soon decide that it’s okay to not tell the truth. When we worked on this with Miss H, I simply asked her, “Do you think you really ate 100 pieces of candy? I think it was probably more like three.” That was the extent of the conversation, but even that slight challenge taught her that lying isn’t accepted.

Deliberate intention to deceive

 This cause of lying is the most difficult to stop, because, as Charlotte Mason alluded to, they aren’t typically allowed in this type of lying. I’ve learned through my experiences as a teacher and a mom that how we frame things for our children makes a huge impact on their truthfulness. Instead of asking questions that could easily be met with a quick lie, turn them into statements. Instead of, “Did you clean your room?” say, “Let me go see your nice, clean room first!” By framing it that way, you are making it more difficult for your child to lie. 

 Reframed Questions

Did you eat your whole dinner? ——  Please bring me your empty plate.

Did you finish your work?          ——   I’d love to see the results of your hard

work!

Did you push your brother?       ——   Your brother is crying and he looks                                                                                       hurt.  Please tell me why.

Related: The Habit of Prompt Obedience

Other Strategies to Encourage Truthfulness

Teach about right and wrong. The habit of truthfulness is developed like other moral habits: we have to teach children about right and wrong, and if we are Believers, that right and wrong come from God. We can’t twist honesty around to serve our own purposes because God’s truth is steadfast. (Read my post about authority here). 

When searching for the truth, give your child some time to answer you. Sometimes when we play investigator and demand an answer immediately, kids impulsively shout out a lie, and then dig themselves deeper into it. If we give them some time to answer and say, “I want you to think about what’s really true, and when you’re ready, go ahead and tell me.”

Model truthfulness, even when it’s difficult. Explain to your child when you choose truth (in an age appropriate way!)

Show that you think they’re honest. This is helpful because your child will know that you expect the truth from them. Painting them in a negative light, especially in their own eyes, creates a “self-fulfilling prophecy.” My lovely former principal got down on a child’s level and say, “This is just not like you,” an approach that’s helpful in handling many different behaviors. 

Give a natural or educative consequence.  A natural consequence will occur without any interference from you. An educative consequence is established by you, but is related to the offense.

Related: The Stages of Charlotte Mason Habit Formation

A Thought on Brutal Honesty

Do you think people who claim themselves to be “brutally honest” are honest about everything? Like, Abe Lincoln chasing customers for miles to give them their penny kind of honest? I don’t think so. I think the term “brutally honest” exists to help people feel better about being mean. Kindness and gentleness are fruits of the spirit- we can be honest while being kind and gentle. As I teach my children the habit of truthfulness, I’ll also teach them the habits of kindness and gentleness.

What does Charlotte Mason say about the habit of truthfulness? And why should we even care?

A Year of Positive Habits for Moms

by 4 Comments

It took all evening to write this post. When I think about this new year, I can’t help but feel overwhelmed. There are a million things I want to accomplish and I never seem to have enough time. I need to change some habits, but the thought can be so overwhelming. Thinking of the long list of habits that I want to work on makes me want to just not start. But, if we can break these habits up into little pieces, it’s less overwhelming. This year, I’m focusing on two habits a month: one healthy habit, and one mother-culture habit.

*This post was updated April 2019

Positive habits for Charlotte Mason moms. I like to work on a habit each month. Sometimes I plan as I go, but this year, I planned ahead.

Related: The Stages of Habit Formation

Approaching Habits for Ourselves

I’m so often focused on helping other people, little people, with their habits, that mine are easily overlooked. But, the truth is that if I improve my habits, they won’t pick up the bad habits in the first place. Habit training ourselves is in some ways simpler than habit training our children. There is not so much battling of the wills, unless our motivation is a problem.

For me, having a visual cue and setting up the environment for success is always helpful. For habits of health, keeping a journal can be extremely helpful. With other personal habits, having a Bible verse or quote nearby can help, or even having a jar that you add something to can help. You don’t have to link the filled jar to a personal reward, just the act of placing a paper clip or something else into the jar every time you complete the habit can be rewarding enough.

Related: Family Habits Meeting

Healthy habits

I’m choosing a healthy habit each month, because I want my children to not live off of cheese and bread and sugar like it seems they do some days. I want their teeth to be healthy and strong so that when we visit a Dentist in Manchester, they get a glowing oral health report. My plan is not to lose weight (I will never, ever diet in front of my children), but my plan is to show what a healthy lifestyle looks like. I am almost positive that by the end of the year, I won’t be a clean-eating, daily-exercising, super fit mama, and that is okay with me. The goal is to model healthier habits for my children.

*Note- I don’t have any qualifications to give health or fitness advice, but these are habits recommended by experts.

Healthy habits for moms

Related: Keeping a Habit Training Journal

Personal Habits

I feel like I’m caught in this eternal whirlwind of busyness, so I’m not even sure what the current habits look like in my home. I’m assuming I’m not terrible at all of these, but there can probably be some room for improvement. Planning habits out like this will let me be more intentional with these habits and help me learn about my own strengths and weaknesses.

Related: Habits for The Early Years

Charlotte Mason habits for moms.

Are there any habits on these lists that you want to work on this year?

 

Explore More Posts

%d bloggers like this: