My Little Robins

Loving and Learning in the Nest

Maybe We’ve Taken This “Teach My Kids Not To Need Me” Thing Too Far

by 7 Comments

Earlier this evening, I helped my daughter (almost 7) clean her room. As I hung up a getting-too-small dress in her closet, an adage that I've heard dozens of times popped into my head: Don't do anything for your kids that they can do for themselves. I was uncomfortable the first time I read those words, and have been uncomfortable with them every time an older mother, as well-adjusted as her children are, tells me this. Since when do we not help each other?

In our community, there is a teen suicide every few weeks. The sadness and "if onlys" reverberate through the town until the next sad event occurs. Nearly 50% of people who participated in Cigna's loneliness index in 2018 felt lonely always or sometimes. The former surgeon general of the United States said that isolation is the most prevalent threat to health in our nation. 

This makes me wonder: are we taking this "Teach my kids not to need me" thing too far?


Our culture is slightly obsessed with the idea of independence. When I taught full time and had an infant at home, people told me how good it was for her to learn independence from me. When she got older and we decided not to put her on that big yellow bus, but to homeschool instead, the obvious concerns about her ability to be independent were written all over the furrowed brows of strangers.

But, I need people, and my children need me. This is not wrong or weak. This is human nature.

A few weeks ago, I went to the grocery store and saw a mom that I know from my MOPS group. Her child had broken a glass container, and she ran to grab paper towels and was wiping up the mess when I saw her. I went to help. She was fully capable of cleaning it up on her own, but I wanted her to know that I had been in that sticky situation too. At the same MOPS group, just a week earlier, a mom of grown children (Laurie Wildenberg) spoke to the crowd of  tired young moms, and said, "I don't want my adult children to not need me. I want them to call me when they need help.  I want them to come home for dinner and to still have a relationship with them." 

Related: Your Secret Weapon for Forming Positive Habits

Physically Independent

Is it possible to teach our children to not need us physically, but to still learn to rely on others? Yes. We were created for community. We first see our need for others, for helpers, in Genesis. "It is not good for man to be alone."

I can teach my children how to do the laundry and tie their shoes, and allow them to do these things on their own. But what if the simple act of offering to help in physical ways like these is valuable for our relationship or our child's mental health? Why do we sacrifice relationship and mental health for that little golden statue called "independence"? 


Growing Up

As my little girl hurdles closer to her seventh birthday, her responsibilities at home will increase. But when she accidentally spills the eggs that she's mixing in the bowl, I'll help her clean it up. When she can't find the pencil she needs to do her work, I'll help her find it. I want her to know that she can come to me and ask me for help as her life problems shift from missing pencils to navigating relationships or making major mistakes. In the distant future, I want her to call me up and tell me about the tough situation she's facing, not to run away and try to face something difficult entirely alone. 


​


If You Want Your Kids To Listen, Stop Repeating Yourself

by 7 Comments

“Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.”

“I might as well be talking to a brick wall!”

“In one ear and out the other.”

Clearly, kids who don’t listen is a thing. We have tons of cultural idioms about not listening, and they’re often used to describe children. Some of this probably comes from a combination of immaturity and the fact that they are still developing habits like attention. But in my own family, I notice it’s something I do that actually teaches my children not to listen.

I repeat myself.

For awhile, I found myself saying the same things over and over again, all day long. Clean your room, clean your room, clean your room. Brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your teeth. Even non-commands, like, “Do you want to play outside? Hello? Do you want to play outside?”

You can listen to this post here

If this repetition drove me crazy, it had to drive my daughter crazy, too.  Repeating myself was a bad habit I had developed, and it led to helping Miss H develop bad habits, too.

Why This Is A Bad Habit

Saying things over and over again teaches our children that they don’t need to listen the first time. Why would our children bother to pay attention to us the first time if they’re going to hear it over and over again? Not listening ultimately leads to not obeying the first time, which is a habit of the utmost importance during the early years.

If we view children as persons, then nagging them is not something we should do. In Home Education, Charlotte Mason said,

She (Mother) never lets the matter be a source of friction between herself and the child, taking the line of his friendly ally to help him against that bad memory of his.” page 123

A friendly ally doesn’t nag, she gently guides. So how do we gently guide our children towards listening to us the first time?

What You Can Do Instead of Repeating Yourself

  • Make eye contact with your child when you’re talking to him or her. Don’t break that contact until it’s clear your child hears and understands you.
  • Ask your child to repeat what you say (an early form of narration!)
  • Don’t respond right away if your child says, “What?” Kids sometimes say this automatically when they really did hear you. Is it possible that they heard you and just don’t understand? If that’s the case, repeating yourself won’t help!
  • Don’t confuse listening with obeying. Children need to listen in order to obey, but they aren’t the same. Be sure to be clear about this with your child. If you want them to listen, help them learn how to listen. If you want them to obey you, teach them obedience.
  • If your child truly did not hear you, they might need help with the habit of attention.

After working on this for about a year, we have made huge progress. I’ve learned to pause after Miss H says, “What?” to give her some time to process what I’ve said. In cases of obedience, I look at her until she begins to follow my directions to be sure that she heard me and is planning to obey. It amazes me that such a simple change can make such a big difference in my children’s ability, and willingness, to listen.

 

 

 

 

5 Stages of Charlotte Mason Habit Formation

by 1 Comment

Imagine how difficult life would be if we were not creatures of habit? Habits save us from the exhaustion of constant thought. We can do most of our daily tasks automatically without having to consider every step of grooming or home care. While habits often make our life easier, some have the opposite effect. It’s up to us mothers to determine whether our children will be creatures of good habits or bad habits. As Charlotte Mason homeschoolers, we know we could either let nature run it's course, or actively try to help our children for habits that will carry them forward in healthy, positive ways. By digging into a section of Home Education, called “The Forming of a Habit: ‘Shut the Door After You’" we see five definite stages of habit formation. 


Five Stages of Charlotte Mason Habit Formation


1. Inspire

"A habit becomes morally binding in proportion to the inspiring power of the idea which underlies it.” School Education, page 110

A little seed of an idea can motivate and inspire. This can be as simple as a motto, a Bible verse, a book, or a hymn.  You could also just give a few words about the new habit. This is not lecture time- they will learn in the next step.

Related: Family Habits Meeting

2. Set Clear Expectations

Clearly explain what the new habit should look like. Too often we assume that our children know how to do things, either concreate or abstract, when they don't. Obviously, it will be easier to set expectations for the concrete habits, but it's a little more difficult to set expectations for abstract habits, like being kind. 

In Charlotte Mason's passage about shutting the door, Johnny’s mother clearly explains that the door should be shut for the comfort of those in the room. Through brief explanation, she has given him a what and a why. 

Related:  Habits: Like Tracks in the Snow 

"Having in a few- the fewer the better- earnest words pointed out the miseries that must arise from this fault, and the duty of overcoming it, and having so got the (sadly feeble) will of the child on the side of right-doing, she simply sees that for weeks together the fault does not recur.” Home Education, page 120


3. Follow Through

"Tact, watchfulness, and persistence are the qualities she must cultivate in herself; and, with these, she will be astonished at the readiness with which the child picks up the new habit.” Home Education, page 122


This is probably the hardest part of our work.  In order to help our children develop a desired habit, we have to be sure that they never fall back into the old habit. We think as we are accustomed to think. Charlotte Mason described our brains as having “tracks” that our thoughts run along. When we work to establish new tracks, revisiting the old ones, even once, can be detrimental to our cause.

 Establish some sort of signal to remind your little one to stick with the good habit. This prevents us from nagging and saying the same thing over and over- something that parents nor children enjoy!

Related: Habits Need Routine

4. Dangerous Stage

Getting too comfortable is always dangerous, right?  Maybe we assume that our children already have the habit down, or maybe we feel badly that they’ve been working so hard.  (It probably doesn't feel like work at all to them!) We have to be aware of this dangerous stage, instead of letting our guard down and leaving our children to fall back into their old ruts. 

"Now comes the critical moment. Some day Johnny is so taken up with a new delight that the habit, not yet fully formed, loses its hold, and he is half-way downstairs before he thinks of the door. Then he does think of it, with a little prick of conscience, strong enough, not to send him back, but to make him pause a moment to see if his mother will call him back. She has noticed the omission, and is saying to herself, ‘Poor little fellow, he has been very good about it this long time; I’ll let him off this once.’ He, outside, fails to hear his mother’s call, says, to himself– fatal sentence! –’Oh, it doesn’t matter,’ and trots off.” Home Education, page 124


5. Celebration

"One word more,- prompt action on the child’s part should have the reward of absolute leisure, time in which to do exactly as she pleases, not granted as a favour, but accruing (without any words) as a right.” Home Education, page 121

This isn't really a stage, because it is repeated throughout the whole habit training process, but celebrating your child's progress is so important! I don't mean that you should throw a party or give a reward, but allow some natural benefit to come from the habit that they've formed. 

If you're looking for more habit training help, check out My Little Robins' eBook, Habits for the Early Years. You can also get a self-paced habit training course through the Thinking Love Podcast!

A Year of Positive Habits for Moms

by 4 Comments

When I think about this new year, I can't help but feel overwhelmed. There are a million things I want to accomplish and I never seem to have enough time. I need to change some habits, but that is a daunting task! Thinking of the long list of habits that I want to work on makes me want to quit before I've started. But, if I can break these habits up into little pieces, I feel more confident. This year, I'm focusing on two habits a month: one healthy habit, and one mother-culture habit.

*This post was updated April 2019

Related: The Stages of Habit Formation

Approaching Habits for Ourselves

I'm so often focused on helping other people, little people, with their habits, that mine are easily overlooked. But, the truth is that if I improve my habits, they won't pick up the bad habits in the first place. Habit training ourselves is in some ways simpler than habit training our children. There is not so much battling of the wills, unless our motivation is a problem.

For me, having a visual cue and setting up the environment for success is always helpful. For habits of health, keeping a journal can be extremely helpful. With other personal habits, having a Bible verse or quote nearby can help, or even having a jar that you add something to can help. You don't have to link the filled jar to a personal reward, just the act of placing a paper clip or something else into the jar every time you complete the habit can be rewarding enough.

Related: Family Habits Meeting

Healthy habits for moms

Healthy habits

I'm choosing a healthy habit each month, because I want my children to not live off of cheese and bread and sugarlike it seems they do some days. I want their teeth to be healthy and strong so that when we visit a Dentist in Manchester, they get a glowing oral health report. My plan is not to lose weight (I will never, ever diet in front of my children), but my plan is to show what a healthy lifestyle looks like. I am almost positive that by the end of the year, I won't be a clean-eating, daily-exercising, super fit mama, and that is okay with me. The goal is to model healthier habits for my children.

*Note- I don't have any qualifications to give health or fitness advice, but these are habits recommended by experts.

Personal Habits

I feel like I'm caught in this eternal whirlwind of busyness, so I'm not even sure what the current habits look like in my home. I'm assuming I'm not terrible at all of these, but there can probably be some room for improvement. Planning habits out like this will let me be more intentional with these habits and help me learn about my own strengths and weaknesses. 

Charlotte Mason habits for moms.


I'd love to help you with habit training! Sign-up below to get free resources sent to you!

Explore More Posts

%d bloggers like this: